101 things Tai Lung May Not Do
by FalconMage
Summary: 101 Things that Tai Lung may not do when he is in the Jade Palace and the valley of peace. I was bored in a barber shop. So, I grabbed a paper and this was what I got after reading some random stuffs I found on the web. Continued with request: Chapter 4
1. 101 things I may not do

_Disclaimer: I don't own Tai Lung or any character from the movie Kung Fu Panda._

_Okay, this here is a stupid parody that I made out of nowhere. I read a bunch of stupid drabbles and random stuffs and I suddenly wrote this down without warning. I was bored waiting for my mum while she was making her hair. So, I took a paper, and started writing dumb stuffs that my fave character, Tai Lung shall, will, never, prohibit, etc… do when he is in the Jade Palace._

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101 that I may not do when I'm living in the Jade Palace or valley of peace.

1. I may not parade around naked in the Jade Palace just because I have a hot body.

2. Or anywhere in the near future.

3. I may not hide everyone's clothes in the Jade palace so that I can have the training hall all to myself.

4. I may not cage Mantis in a jar.

5. Or, in an incubator.

6. I may not use Crane's calligraphy inks to draw funny faces on Master Shifu's face while he is asleep.

7. Or, anybody in the palace, even though it would be extremely funny.

8. I may not put up posters in the whole valley saying, I was once a great ruler during the Manchurian Dynasty.

9. Or any other dynasty in the history of China.

10. I may not duplicate more Dragon Scroll so that everybody can become a Dragon Warrior.

11. Even and idiot who couldn't different shape between me and Ian McShane.

12. I may not make love with any whore in front of Master Shifu just so I can see his eyes twitch madly in a funny way.

13. I may not pull Po's extremely short pants down in public when we are in the valley.

14. I may not dye my fur orange and stripe it so that I could look like Tigress's twin brother.

15. Or black and white to look like Po.

16. I may not steal Viper's collection of romance novels and replace them with sci-fi stories; like Star Wars.

17. I may not use Viper's make-up materials so that I could look pretty.

18. I may not enter in a beauty pageant contest so other females can be jealous of me.

19. I may not replace the training hall's facilities with dummies of doom so that everyone can start back with level zero.

20. I may not hide the foods in the palace so that everyone could go hungry after training.

21. Or water, so we could all die.

22. I may not spread rumours that Tigress is an 80 years old woman that had gone through plastic surgery to look younger.

23. I may not replace Monkey's cookies with stale ones so I could see him rush like a mad monkey to the bathroom every hour.

24. I may not use up all of the water in the bathhouse so I can smell fresh and clean after training while the others smell like dead fishes.

25. I may not try on women clothing.

26. Or any female undergarments.

27. I may not speared rumours that Po has an eating disorder and he was to eat every hour and that is why he is so fat.

28. I may not use the Dragon Scroll as a parchment for me to draw silly faces of Master Shifu.

29. Or any other people even though it is funny as hell.

30. I may not claim that I have magical powers to change people into ugly toads like _Harry Potter._

31. As well as not waving a big stick around everywhere to prove I am a wizard.

32. I may not shave Po's head to make him bald.

33. I may not poke holes in my room so that I can peek into my companion's privacy.

34. Or, so that they can see me naked in private.

35. I may not mix up the herbs and spices labels in the kitchen so that I can see Po's confuse expression when he's cooking.

36. I may not tell that Mr.Ping's noodles do not contain any secret ingredient so he can go out of business.

37. I may not dig a big hole in front of the courtyard and hide it so everywhere can fall in it just to make Master Shifu explode.

38. I may not adopt an orphan and claim that he is my son and make Shifu faint from a heart attack.

39. I may not burst into tears when I am unable to perform a Kung Fu technique.

40. I may not ask females to show me their 'juicy, juicy melons' in public areas.

41. Or in private as well.

42. I may not read girls magazine, just so I can ask Master Shifu, Tigress, or Viper what PMS is.

43. I may not sound the morning gong one hour earlier that usual.

44. Or bellow out suddenly in that morning with no apparent reason.

45. Everyone knows I'm a hot, muscular Snow Leopard. I may not prove it randomly by pulling my pants down as well to point it out.

46. I may not scream "WHY?!" at the top of my lungs in a crowded area.

47. I may not tell Tigress or Viper that they have put on weight.

48. I may not speak in a ghostly way to Po so that I could scare the pants out of him.

49. I may also not scream like a little school girl when Tigress is chasing after me.

50. Or, Master Shifu for no apparent reason.

51. I may not destroy the tools in the training hall and blame on the fault to my imaginary friend.

52. I may not cook Mantis just so I could taste how crunchy he is since eating a paying mantis is a delicacy in other regions.

53. I may not spread rumours that Master Shifu is taking steroids and that is why he is still strong despite is age.

54. I may not throw food at Tigress during dinner while nobody is looking so I can start a food fight due to the fact that Tigress is a horrible cook.

55. I may not randomly burst into a song during training.

56. Or, point out horrible remarks like 'You punch like a senile geezer.'

57. I may not claim that I am transsexual and pregnant

58. And I may not say that the baby belongs to Tigress.

59. I may not burn down the training hall just so I could have Shifu get a new one because I was bored with the old.

60. I may not indulge in food and could look like Po.

61. I may not put blue dye in the bathhouse's water so I can see everyone to be in the blue everyday.

62. I may not collect Viper's dead skin after she sheds and have an exhibition to show her growth.

63. I may not claim that Monkey's fur is, in reality, made of real gold and that is why his species is a Golden Langur.

64. Or mine, made from real Snow.

65. I may not use up all of Crane's calligraphy inks and paint them on the wall's of the Jade Palace because I felt that it was dull.

66. I may not draw a fake image of Tigress and post it up in the valley saying: 'Hooker available.'

67. I may not purr and growl lustfully whenever I'm next to a beautiful woman.

68. Or in private, so I can receive a slap on the cheek from her.

69. I may not mix up all of the thousand scrolls in the hall of warrior just to see how Master Shifu will react to it.

70. I may not steal any male or female undergarments from the Jade Palace and try to sell it in the black market.

71. Or any private stuffs for that matter.

72. I may not chop down the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom just so I could have an apple tree.

73. I may not spread rumours about Master Oogway being an old stupid turtle that do not know how to speak correctly but in riddles.

74. Even about Master Shifu for that matter.

75. I may not put up posters all over town saying I'm a gigolo that will hump you till you bear a child.

76. I may not barf in front of anybody for no apparent reason.

77. I may not touch a female's private in public so I could receive a slap in the face.

78. Or a male's private so I could get a phone number.

79. I may not burn all of the scrolls in the hall of warriors and write made-up kung fu skills to replace them.

80. I may not dream to be marine biologist in near future.

81. I may not threaten Zeng to send a fake letter to the Emperor saying, 'I challenge you to a humping competition.'

82. I may not shout on top of my lungs that China is experiencing an inflation and every male are to be sent to war to fend off aliens.

83. I may not invade the valley of peace with an army of talking stuffed bears.

84. I may not destroy every _Peipa_ in China because I hated the sound of it.

85. Even if it is an expensive instrument.

86. I may not stare at Po for over 10 minutes so I can make him feel guilty and hear him say: "What did I do?!"

87. I may not snoop around till late at night so I can prove that ghost does roam around the hallway at 12am.

88. I may not sell all artifacts in the hall of warriors so I can get myself some brand new clothes.

89. I may not claim that I'm suffering from PMS.

90. I may not give seashells to children during Chinese New Year as _Ang Paus_.

91. Even though seashells were a huge currency during the ancient times.

92. I may not shout without warning that a giant dragon is coming to eviscerate all of us if we don't jump off a cliff.

93. I may not paint the roof of every villager's house red so I can say it rained blood yesterday.

94. Or yellow to say that the clouds are peeing.

95. I may not decimate the Jade Palace in order to make way a fun fair named after me: 'Tai Lung's house of dumbs.'

96. I may not force everyone to call me Emperor Tai Lung, master and ruler for the year 2008.

97. I may not sell rotten fruits and vegetables so I can see them rush to the bathroom every single second.

98. Or lock the whole villager's bathroom up and let them shit on their pants.

99. I may not giggle hysterically when someone dies in front of me.

100. I may not cry out loud that I am an alien from the planet Pluto and my sole purpose is to get the Dragon Scroll.

**I have agreed to all of this term and conditions and I hereby-**

FalconMage: WAIT!! You're missing one more; number 101. The last bit.

Tai Lung: Geez… I thought it was 100.

FalconMage: No, it's 101 things. Make the last bit.

Tai Lung: _sigh_, Fine, just to make you happy.

101. I may not spy on: Awerewolf, Luna Goldsun, Lucius Ferus, corset-rebellion-follower, PointyEdgesofaSign, Tokokono,

RenkonNairu, Spyro-N-KungFuPandafan, Sindalstar, Princess of the blood, clanmcg24, Kippis05, XangLi, The Hand of Kane,

nievelion, Lao Shi, wolf guardian of light, Arceus.Conberma, SkytheHawk, Animationteen16, Chibi Renamon, Peter the Muggle,

Wolf Mystic, BiracialBeauty, xcgirl08, spirit sl, Twilightgirl, sindragon, KamichamaMisuzu, hollyberry29, Miharu Mizuneko,

The Geeky Brunette, Hides His Eyes, Vigilance, Duskblood, snowbellathecheetah, shadowfang901, chibifurby, Slinky Thief,

Damian Gentleheart, Damien360, Demon Chick, viper6677, Sora W.T.K, V-gum, hornsrock, Cursor, Icemeerkat,

Open Season Fangirl5000, Paradoxal Reality, ScourgeChan, and many others. Instead, I claim that I know them, here, in FanFiction that they write great stories about Kung Fu Panda.

**Signed: Tai Lung, Master of the Leopard fighting style**

Tai Lung: There. Happy?

FalconMage: Excited. _Hugs Tai Lung_

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_There you have it. Some stupid things that I randomly thought about and recycled when I was waiting for my mum to finish her hair thingies. Don't ask me what it is cause I don't know._


	2. Number 77 & 78

_Okay, I thought that I might want to expand a little on this little 101 things Tai Lung may not do._

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**Number  
**77. I may not touch a female's private in public so I could receive a slap in the face.  
78. Or a male's private so I could get a phone number.

Tai Lung: I did those stuffs _before_ I signed that agreement. That's why this story is about what happened during that time… _Yawn…_

* * *

The market was busy with activities as every villagers started to haggle and shout at the top of their lungs to promote their items to everyone. Meanwhile, in a nearby restaurant, the guys from the Jade Palace decided to take the time off to have some leisure for them selves. They had slipped off training and gathered at a nearby tea restaurant.

"I bet dad's tea is much better than this mediocre piece of leaf." Po pouted at his tea.

"You should be grateful that Master Shifu even gave us a slip from training today." Crane answered back the giant panda.

"Yeah Po," Monkey scooped up a fried wanton and gave it a small nimble. The juice from the wanton trickled down the prime mate's chin as he frantically tried to wipe it away.

Tai Lung, Po, Crane, Monkey and Mantis were so engrossed into their conversation that they nearly forgot about the time. Lucky enough, Crane was more observant than any of them and told that they should be going.

"Else Master Shifu will have us do training double time." He shuddered at that thought.

"Yo, hot chick at twelve o' clock," Po pointed north.

Obliviously enough, two female bengal tigers were laughing as they talked with each other on the streets. The females were beautiful, from top to toe and their fur was ravished with beauty. Their eyes were glistening pearly white and such beauty that mesmerizes them.

"Alright," Tai Lung groomed his fur a little.

"Wait," Po slapped on his shoulder. "You're gonna hit on em'?"

"Of course; who could resist me?" Tai Lung made a seductive pose; arms flexing his muscles and charming features.

Everyone groans at his remark about himself.

"May I tell you that its time to go?" Crane said.

"Relax Crane," Tai Lung answered. "This will just take a while."

"What are you gonna do?" Mantis curiously asked.

"Hit on em'."

"That's it?"

"Yeah."

"A date?"

"Perhaps."

Mantis burst out laughing at the snow leopard.

"What? You think I can't get one?"

"Oh no, hehe…" Mantis wiped away a drop of tear from his eyes. "I bet you'll get slapped."

"No I won't."

"Prove it." Mantis dared the snow leopard.

"I will!" He slammed his fist on the table. "Either I get a phone number, or a slap. I reckon, I'll get the former than the latter."

"Go then," Mantis gestured the snow leopard.

"This is gonna be funny." Monkey told the guys.

"Oh wait!" Mantis stopped the snow leopard. The small bug whispered something at his ears and Tai Lung's eyes widen.

"You…" Tai Lung sighed. "What's in it for me?"

"I have a collection of-" Mantis buzzed his remaining sentence to the cat's ears. His ears perked up and grinned at the piece of information given by the bug.

"Alright," Tai Lung answered back. "I will not get slap."

"We'll see…."

* * *

The snow leopard casually walked down the streets, heading directly towards the two hot bengal tigers. He pretended that he was interested in one of the antiques at the nearby merchant, occasionally stealing a glance at them. His sensitive ears perked up when he heard the two female's conversation.

"Don't look now sis but, I think that snow leopard is interested in us."

"Oh? Really?" the other sister turned around to face Tai Lung, who now, had his back turned.

"He's a hot one." She giggled delightfully.

"Yeah he is. Look at his fur and muscles, all well hidden under that beautiful fur coat. I bet he's a great warrior."

"Must be. Or maybe he's a general of an army." Both of them giggled harder.

Tai Lung's eyes glowed in pride and his ego poured in as he heard their remarks

"No one can resist me." Tai Lung slowly flexed his muscles from behind as he took his cue to show off what he had in him. He was so used to it that it was practically on auto-pilot whenever a female drooled over him. It was his favourite.

The females swooned over the handsome snow leopard. _My cue to go._

"Hello ladies," the snow leopard turned to face them. "Beautiful day?"

"Are you hitting on us?"

"Am I?" he casually leaned on a pillar, his right paw supporting his weight.

"Yes you are." Both of them giggled.

"Well then, how about you, me and you have dinner tonight?"

"Love to." One of the sisters answered back.

"If I could spell, I will put U and I together and in the same sentence, I will put me and we together as well." Tai Lung softly purred as he sweet talked to his winning prize.

"Me too." The other replied.

"Well then," Tai Lung puts both of his arms around the waist of the two females.

"Your number, if you have. Don't be shy."

"Sure. Just wait-"

_SLAP!! SLAP!!_

"Moron!"

"Pervert!"

"Fucking asshole!"

"Go to hell!"

"F and U together, you sicko."

The two bengal tigers stormed off the streets. Tai Lung was stunned at their reaction and every villager had fixed their eyes upon him. The snow leopard felt lower than he ever could! How he wished that the ground would open up and eat him whole right then and there.

Tai Lung quickly paced off the streets and accidentally bumped into a male lion.

"Oops, um, sorry. Whoa!" The snow leopard tripped on a rock and fell head on first on to the lion, pushing himself on him.

Tai Lung frantically got up but his paws accidentally brushed on the lion's crotch. The lion moaned a little suddenly. Tai Lung felt a bulge on it and quickly pulled away from the lion before anything happened.

"Sorry! Sorry!" The snow leopard ran away, leaving the lion behind him.

He was a few feet away from the tea restaurant and he heard the guys laughing their guts out at his failure.

"Fuck!" he cursed himself. "I got slapped! All I did was slightly brush a little below the belt to win the bet altogether. This is all Mantis's fault! I shouldn't have done that. Wait…"

He turned around to see the previous lion that he had bumped into just now.

"If a female slapped me, would a male do the same? Or maybe vice-versa…"

Tai Lung cunningly walked behind the lion and tapped on his broad shoulder. He turned to face the snow leopard again. His eyes fixed upon Tai Lung's ember eyes.

"Yes?"

"Um-I-ah…" Tai Lung stammered but finally got his act together. "Sorry for the accident. It was rude of me to walk off like that."

"Oh, it was nothing." The lion replied.

"No, no…" Tai Lung got closer to the lion. He towered over the snow leopard but the snow leopard warrior wasn't intimidated by his size at all. He had seen worst than this. However, he was, scared about the rend result of the verdict.

"I'm really sorry…" Tai Lung brushed lightly below the belt.

* * *

Tai Lung slammed the table hard with his fist. He left a small piece of paper and numbers were in script on it. Everyone looked at the paper and gasped in horror.

"Eat your words, Mantis!"

"Wrong, _you _eat your words." Mantis said. "I specifically said those female bengal tigers. _Not _a lion."

"I still got a number didn't I?"

"Wrong, you've gotten yourself a homosexual lion that wants to see you tonight, to have dinner with and do something else while the night is still young."

"Who cares?" Tai Lung sipped his tea. "At least I got a number."

Po sighed at him, "You just touched a female's private in public so you can get a slap. Meanwhile, you got a phone number instead from a male when you touched their privates."

"It's a world gone mad Po. Mad I tell you."

Tai Lung got up and started to leave. "Better get ready for tonight."

* * *

Tai Lung: There you have it. What really happened when I broke rules number 77 and 78. You really shouldn't do that in public.

FalconMage: But you did….

Tai Lung: So? Sue me…

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_I'm now open for anything on this story. Tell or PM me which rule that you want to see Tai Lung break and I'll try to get it done for you. That's if you want it. Give me a few ideas and I will gladly do as much as I can with it. As usual, R&R..._


	3. Number 1

**Number  
**1. I may not parade around naked in the Jade Palace just because I have a hot body.

Tai Lung : _Sigh… _Another dumb thing that I did before I signed that blasted agreement. So I broke another. You gonna sue me? FalconMage has dedicated this 'chappy' to wolf guardian of light and Luna Goldsun. Currently, FalconMage is gone for a few days cause of work and he has given me all rights talk for him *or bad*… Oh, and FalconMage don't own Kung Fu Panda. I do. Cause I'm one of the characters...

* * *

From the early morning sun rise of the day till the sun was high up in the sky, training in the training hall was done as usual but this time around, the five and Po had left training much earlier than expected. Shifu had given them the privilege for this day to relax and be calm about things: meditation if possible.

However, a certain warrior did not adhere to the master's orders and continued to train after an hour of the five and Po's leave. Tai Lung decided to stop kicking around after he was satiated by pulverizing the dummies around him.

He felt no sympathy upon them.

The snow leopard was sweating from head to toe and looks as if he had bath in his own sweat. He gingerly took a towel to wipe himself off from his own perspiring body and throws it on his shoulder as he exited the hall. Once he was out, he felt the sudden cool breeze of the day as it caressed his well toned body.

He was walking past by the hall when he stopped abruptly to eavesdrop on a conversation that had caught his attention and have no rights at all to hear upon.

"Don't lie!" a smooth yet elegant voice spoke to the other.

"No I don't!" a raspy voice answered by.

"I saw you looking and drooling all over him."

"Viper!"

_Tigress and Viper?! _Tai Lung blinked as he tried to process the current event that was unfolding right under his very nose. _Who's she drooling over…?_

"Okay, I admit. He is kinda spectacular, at the very least." He heard Tigress saying that very word to Viper.

_Who?!_

"Oh come on, Tigress," Viper admonished. "I saw you staring over his heavy chest all day long. We're talking about Tai Lung here!"

The snow leopard nearly dropped to the ground when he heard the last sentence.

He? Tigress had been staring at him for a long time? Tigress, the very master of tiger style was staring at his hot body!

"Okay, I'll admit. He is hot and does posses some um…lustful traits altogether."

That did it. Tai Lung wants no more of this and proceeded towards the bathhouse to clean himself up or he'll be stinking like this for the whole day. The place was empty, which meant that the five had already taken their bath.

He gingerly took off his worn out indigo trousers and threw them into a pile of dirty clothes and walked up towards the water. Suddenly, he passed by a mirror and looked at himself with astonishment. He started to flex his bulging muscles under all that fur as he admired his own beauty.

_I don't mind giving a piece of this to Tigress. _He smirked at that thought.

Once he was done admiring his great physique, he climbed in to the bath tub and started to wash the grime and dirt off from his spotted white fur. Time had past and Tai Lung had spent nearly half an hour in the bath tub. He nearly slept in the warm water as his body submitted to the clear liquid.

He got up and started to find a towel. He found none.

_Holy Crap! _He panicked. _The five had used up all the towels and the palace workers haven't replenish the fabric!_

Tai Lung got out and wanted to put on his old sweaty trouser but it smelled like a dead body after it was messed up with the rest of the dirty clothes. He had nothing to wear already and his room isn't next to the bathhouse. It was at the opposite end of the palace! Far from where he is.

Tai Lung started to panic once more and tried to find anything, just anything to hide his privates from being exposed out in shame and humility. He'd die if anybody else saw him naked.

_Wait! _He stopped in his tracks. _Why am I panicking?_

He, once again, walked up to the mirror and his image appeared before him.

_Hey, I have a hot body. Not to mention my big thing below as well. Why am I afraid of exposing my body? Like Tigress said, I have those lustful traits._

He grinned maliciously from ear to ear.

Finally, the snow leopard had made up his mind. He will walk from here to his room, naked.

_More like parading around naked in the Jade Palace. _He chuckled lightly. _Who am I to blame that I have a sensational body?_

The male cat was about to open the bathhouse door when Monkey and Mantis came in. They got a surprise of their life when they saw Tai Lung without anything on below his torso.

The water that was left dripping on his body and that made his fur wet and damp and his muscles were more visible than before.

"What the heck are you doing?" Mantis said. "Get a towel!"

"Yeah!" The primate added in. "Nobody wants to see you naked around here."

"You're just jealous." Tai Lung answered back, determined to not make a fool out of himself in front of them.

"Jealous?!" They both chimed in.

Tai Lung ignored them and trotted off. That left a very confused primate and dumbstruck bug standing at the door as the snow leopard started to parade around the whole Jade Palace.

Tai Lung strut his stuff and walked pass the courtyard to see if anybody was coming. What is he afraid off? What's wrong with getting this beautiful hot body out? He started to think that he should show off to Tigress and Viper that they have an extremely good point about him being the perfect male for everything.

An avian was flying high up in the sky as he executed his new techniques but came to an abrupt stop when he saw Tai Lung in the courtyard.

_Is that what I think I'm seeing…? _The bird warrior was astounded by the sight and swooped down to confirm the image or mirage.

Crane landed gracefully on the ground, in front of a parading snow leopard. He cocked his head side ways and examined the body that was in front of him and apparently, the snow leopard wasn't ashamed of Crane was staring at his one of a kind upper torso, not to mention below as well.

"What are you doing walking around without your pants?" Crane asked curiously.

"Oh, nothing..." Tai Lung sang. "The towels in the bath house were all used up. So, I don't have one, and I need to get to my room at the opposite."

"Oh, er…" Crane stammered. "O-Okay…but you should at least walk behind the Jade Palace to avoid prying eyes..."

Tai Lung smirked at the comment and moved along. His back was turned and the avian saw his cute ass, making him shudder in thought.

"That's the whole point…" Tai Lung suddenly said.

* * *

Po started to make weird noises as he skillfully chopped the bok choy vegetables effortlessly with his razor sharp knife, as if he was breaking tofu. The raw food were sliced with perfection and dropped in the boiling broth as it emits a sensational smell that enticed his taste buds.

The kitchen door suddenly swung open and somebody came in. Po realized it but didn't take a glance at the silhouette.

"Hey, you hungry?" The panda asked and turned around, to face a naked snow leopard. He nearly dropped the bowl of food he was bolding on to and twitched his eyes inwardly.

"Um… you do realized that you're stark naked in front of me, right?"

"Am I?" Tai Lung grinned devilishly and stood a pose.

"Yes you are and why are you parading around like that?" Po asked and he laid the bowl of soup on the table.

"Cause the towels in the bath house has been used up and I don't have any."

"So that gives you the right to walk with that dangling around?" Po pointed some where below the waist that he did not want to specifically or directly say. More like in an innuendoes way.

"You like?" Tai Lung raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

"Huh?" Po blinked and started to sweat beads. "N-No! How can you say such an idiotic thing?!"

The panda wasn't himself and he started to stammer between words and that made Tai Lung a pretty good suspicion upon him.

"It-It's not that I-I liked what I-I'm seeing or any- SHIFU!!"

Tai Lung stiffened up and turned to his master, also known as his adopted father from childhood. The red panda entered the kitchen, ignoring the fact that his boy was not putting any clothes on.

Po sigh a breath of relief when his master came in.

_Save by the bell…_ Po thought.

Both warriors looked at the red panda as he effortlessly scooped up a few liquid into a bowl from the pot that Po had cooked. Apparently, he either haven't notice it yet or he was ignoring them both.

"Where'd you put the Choy Sum, Po?" Master Shifu suddenly asked.

"Er… in the pot next to the eggs." Po answered, still in a confused state.

The old aged panda sat down and slurped his soup; a content face was carved upon his features as he continued to enjoy his meal.

"Master Shifu?" Po suddenly spoke.

"Yes, Po…"

"Um…you do notice that Tai Lung hasn't had any garments on, right?"

"So?"

Tai Lung's jaw nearly dropped to the ground. "You're not gonna say anything?"

Shifu puts his spoon down and looked at the handsome snow leopard. Albeit, Tai Lung was older than any of the five, he still managed to keep a sculptured body than anybody else around here. His muscles bore the amount of strength that he had in him and that showed how strong he was as a warrior. Although the fur was covering his amazingly defined body, there was no doubt that the snow leopard had a great body altogether.

He eyed at him, "Look, I've raised you from the day you were here, I fed you, nurtured you, cared for you. Don't you think I won't be surprised that you're naked here?"

"Ah….No.... Not really…" Tai Lung answered with a frowned face.

"Now you know," and he continued his meal. "Oh and if I remembered correctly, the left side was a little bigger than the right. I swore it was the right when I was bathing you when you were still nine years old."

"What was bigger…?" Tai Lung was getting nervous, uneasy and uncomfortable with that statement at hand from his master.

"Your testicles, what else?"

"Gah!!" Po fell on to the floor backwards and Tai Lung ran out, embarrassed.

Po picked himself up and huffed, "Do you have to tell that?!"

"It's normal," Shifu shrugged.

"But-you-just-ungh-I-I…GAH!!!"

* * *

The snow leopard ran as quickly as he can to his room but skidded to a stop when he saw Viper coming out of her room. Her snake eyes widened in astonishment at the sight. She was bewildered by the fact that a naked snow leopard was standing in front of her; not to mention that it was a male snow leopard!

Tai Lung breathes in hard and he tried to regain back his second wind from the previous embarrassment that he had gone through but he was kinda failing to do that.

"Oh…my…god…." Viper blushed.

Tai Lung was trying to find some remark that could save his tail again but his mind had stopped working completely. He stammered and didn't move at all.

"I've got to remember this very sight that I'm seeing!"

"Wha-?"

"Look at that thing! It's huge!" Viper exclaimed.

Tai Lung was losing it and with quick reflexes, unsheathed his claws. He was ready to eviscerate the snake master, regardless that he should be proud of that comment rather than killing the commenter. Viper saw the rage in his eyes and quickly slithered away to her own quarters without a sound. She knew better than to mess with a snow leopard when he's angry.

Once the snake master disappeared from view, he slowly reached his room.

"Why'd I ever done this?" he silently said.

Before he could open the door, he felt a paw slide through his strong arms and another at his broad chest. A kiss had landed on to the snow leopard's neck and Tai Lung shivered in pleasure.

The soft touch of the paw made him realized that a female was actually touching him and he didn't even try to stop the intruder.

"I might ask the same thing as well cause I really have no idea why you want to parade around naked in the Jade Palace," The voice spoke. "Was it to make yourself noticeable to me?"

"Not really…."

"Come," the silhouette guided him to his room as the striped paw closed the door behind them. The orange and black strips locked the room as Tigress smiled maliciously…

---

Tai Lung: There you have it. Okay, don't get any ideas what happened next cause I'm so no telling anybody, except FalconMage that is. Once again, FalconMage wants to thank wolf for his original idea and Luna for her great encouragement. Next will be dedicated to Corset! Oh, and one last thing before signing off, tell me what you want to see next and I'll tell FalconMage to try and do it. No guarantees but he'll try. R & R people!


	4. Number 14 and more

Tai Lung: FalconMage is still unavailable, for he is working his tail off with something else. I have no idea what is it and I don't want to know either. I barely see him at home. Anyways, this story is requested by Corset-Rebellion-Follower for number 14 that I was, er… _had _broke before I agreed with that contract. It might not reach up to your expectations as FalconMage told me that he had writer's block. This was as much as he was able to give.

**Number**

14. I may not dye my fur orange and stripe it so that I could look like Tigress's twin brother.

And er… some other rules that he broke…

---

The mischievous snow leopard wasn't very fond of going to the village below for any particular reason, even when he was still a young cub during the past years. He despises the villagers as there were quite a few factors that contributed to his displeasure. First were the overcrowded streets. Second, it was too noisy and it hurts his sensitive ears. Third, it was full with so many animals. The fourth factor would be wasting time walking around without any aim at all. If he wanted something, he will get there without getting distracted. The last and final factor would be the overcrowded streets, again.

Much to his surprise though, he had decided to waltz around the streets in mid day for no particular reason.

_I just feel like it. _He thought. He himself didn't know why he did it. Tai Lung shrugged away that thought and scrutinized his surroundings with his razor sharp eyes. So many villagers were haggling and promoting their own goods to make a profit out of their limited resources and income for their own living lifestyle.

_Money doesn't make the world go round… _He trailed off in his mind.

He had walked for over an hour but nothing exotic caught his eyes well enough, that is, until he found a shop that sold beauty makeovers. He looked around and started to eye the products that were on display in front of him .Most were made for the female gender counterparts to make themselves beautiful.

_These must be the 'magic' that Viper is using to make herself beautiful every morning; compared to Tigress who's always grouchy after bed. _He grinned from ear to ear.

He wanted to leave the parlor when an item pulled his eyes towards it and he couldn't help but pry upon it. It was a fur dye. Tai Lung took the bottle of dye and examined it with great enthusiasm and asked the vendor what it does.

"Oh, this?" the vendor was a middle aged young rabbit that really knows how to make things pretty, especially herself to be exact. "This is a fur dye. You wash it on your fur and it turns into the colour of your choice. It's really cheap and this particular product isn't a permanent dye at all. It washes off after a few days."

"You sure?" Tai Lung eyed at the bottle with curiosity. He apparently had something else on his mind and the snow leopard planned to make it work, even though he knew what the consequences are.

"Most definitely," the seller said, determined to see her product.

"It better washes off. I'm very fond of my fur if I do say so myself."

"Don't we all?" She sighed.

Tai Lung dug up some gold and bought the fur dye without further ado.

* * *

"Watch it panda!" Tai Lung hissed when the giant panda accidentally pulled his fur too hard for comfort.

"Sorry!" Po quickly apologized to the angry snow leopard and pulled away. He had no intention of doing this but since he was his friend, he just tagged along as well.

The panda began to wash his spotted white fur with the fur dye that he got from him and asked about it. The snow leopard just answered that he had some other things in his mind that he wanted to work out and planned to do it when the time is right, which is now to be exact. Po didn't question his motives but he has a lot of doubts about it.

"What are you trying to prove by doing this?" Po pulled his fur carefully again so as not to damage the snow leopard's fur like he previously did.

"Oh… just something…" He grinned.

"You want to look like her?"

"Hell, no!" Tai Lung quickly spat at the giant panda. "Just trying a new fad, that's all."

"Fad?"

"Just do it."

"Ookkaayyy…" Po shrugged his shoulders. "It's your fur. Not mine and I don't care what you do with it."

"Could you…um…" Tai Lung stammered.

"Yeah?"

"Buy some males clothing that looks exactly like hers?"

Po raised an eyebrow and began to worry about his change of fashion and look, not to mention his change person! He wanted to ask more questions regarding the whole subtle scene as this wasn't his personality at all but he obeyed him none the less. He nodded his head and smiled wanly.

"Thanks pal…"

* * *

"You _what_?!" Po screamed on top of his lungs.

Tai Lung had told the Dragon Warrior his plan and he needed his help. All the panda needed to do was to signal him if she's going coming in or not so as she wouldn't see her double image or rather, her twin that she has never met before in her entire life. Po nodded but he was still having doubts and he had so many reasons to have it.

"She's going to eviscerate you if she ever found out about this..."

"She'll be humiliated by that time." Tai Lung dons over the garment that looks exactly like Tigress: red sleeveless vest with a few flower embroidery on it, a belt over his waist to keep it neat and a black linen trousers to match the doppelganger.

Tai Lung looked exactly like her! Except the fact that the opposite was much bigger in size and had more muscles over his arms and shoulders.

"Shifu?"

"Shifu." Tai Lung nodded.

The snow leopard walked to the hall of warriors and tried not to be seen by anyone but he had anticipated wrong. The panda quickly disappeared into his room before he was seen by Viper. The snake master slithered her way out with elegance and saw Tigress in the hallway, looking bigger than usual.

"Ah, Tigress," Viper slithered towards Tai Lung's direction. "We need to talk abou -" she stopped dead in her tracks and scrutinized at Tai Lung, who now looked like Tigress.

The snow leopard had dyed his fur black and orange together with stripes and wore the tiger master's clothing, only, the garments were meant for the male rather than the female.

"You've been working out too much, girl!" Viper exclaimed.

"Really?" Tai Lung answered.

Viper was immediately alert by her friend's change of voice and eyed at her suspiciously. Tai Lung panicked and tried to think of an excuse to wriggle himself out of that mess.

"Sore throat…" A voice nearby spoke.

,"Oh! I'm ah…_ahem…_having a really bad sore throat," He coughed loudly. "The weather has been too hot lately and been ill ever since."

Viper shrugged and said it was okay and started to gossip about some folks down at the village. Both of them stood at the wide, deserted hallway for minutes and Tai Lung was getting bored out of his skull.

_I don't have time for this…_

Then, an idea struck his mind like an arrow piercing through his head. He had a way out.

"Hey, Viper," he kneeled down.

"Yeah?"

"A guy kissed me and I'm dying to show you how it went. It went like this," he got in close with the snake master and kissed at her lips lustfully without a care in the world.

Viper's eyes widen like dinner plates and tried to slap at him back before things went too far for comfort but the snow leopard was quick enough to dodge the attack.

"What was that?!" Viper screamed on top of her voice and started to breathe in hard. Her voice was raspy and she felt a huge discomfort deep in her conscience. She had never done anything like that before and wasn't very happy about it either. How could Tigress do this? To her? To her next to best friend in the Jade Palace with no other female and the males who dominates the whole palace.

"Just showed you how it felt like." Tai Lung casually said in a demeanor way.

"I'm not a homo you bitch!" She slithered back to her room and slammed the door hard.

Po came out from his hiding place where he had a chance to see everything right in front of him and whistled a low note. "You are so dead when Tigress finds out about this."

* * *

They proceeded to the training hall and were about to enter when Monkey yelled for their attention high up above a gnarled tree that could have been easily chopped off with a simple kick but it still stood strong and tall.. The primate landed in front of them and walked forward.

"Tigress, remember –" he was cut short when Tai Lung, with his impersonation of Tigress, pulled him near.

"Hey baby…" Tai Lung said in a low tone. He gazed upon his charming eyes of the golden langur. "Your eyes are like the brilliant moonlight in the night, your golden fur gleams through the day when the sun shines on you, your witty act had me mesmerized and do you know that I've been watching you every time you go for a bath…?"

Tai Lung slowly proceeded to his sensitive area and Monkey gasped, pulling away from the visage of Tigress. He eyed and scrutinized suspiciously at the character and was about to counter back that remark but the snow leopard had, apparently, added something else in his mind. The poor primate didn't even had any time to mutter a single word!

"It's seven inches long!"

Monkey's eyes widen in horror and he ran away with embarrassment. His face was blood red and he hid his face in shame in a corner. Soon, the primate was never seen again.

Tai Lung smirked at the panda while Po just rolled his eyes hypothetically. The giant panda just wants nothing to do with this little charade of his and all he needed to do was alert Tai Lung whenever Tigress was around the corner.

They opened the blocked door, leading to the hall of heroes and found Master Shifu meditating by the pool all by himself. Little did he know that soon enough, the master's peace and tranquility will be bothered by an imperious feline felon. Tai Lung winked to Po, signaling their operation. The snow leopard proceeded to Shifu's direction while Po stood guard outside.

"Shifu!" Tai Lung called out.

The old red panda opened his eyes at Tigress, or rather, her so call 'twin brother' that he sees before him.

"What is it, Tigress?"

Tai Lung sat down and grinned maliciously. He tried to soften his voice to a point where he nearly sounded like the female tiger but explained directly that he was having a sore throat and talking was an obstacle to him. However, things were just starting to get more interesting.

"Master," Tai Lung began. "I'm ah… having some changes and I…"

"Speak up." Shifu gestured to him.

He rubbed his neck a little and said, "What is PMS? Am I having it?"

Shifu's mouth gaped open and if it could happen, his jaws would have fall off his jaws. What a question! He had never encountered that kind of conundrum before in his lifetime. He was flummoxed by the question that was directed towards him.

"You….see…ah…" Shifu flinched around uncomfortably as he tried to form words to explain to his student about that personal question. Never in his life had he encountered that fact before and now, he is forced to tell it. However, Shifu was reluctant to give anything away.

"You…you… have gained some muscles!" The red panda swayed away directly from him.

Tai Lung rolled his eyes, "PMS?"

"PMS…is…ah…."

A sudden soft whistle was heard from a distance and the snow leopard knew that that was the sign. A sign that signal's danger is around the corner. He'd rather keep his beautiful fur than to waste it all on some cheap rug. The warning was better than never.

"Master!" He got up suddenly. "I'll be back. I have something important to attend to right now."

_Like saving my fur… _Tai Lung thought and ran out immediately as he disappeared from sight.

Shifu broke down a heavy sigh of relief but wasn't off the hook yet when the _real_ Tigress pops in to the hall of heroes. Things were just getting fluffy indeed. His eyes twitched awkwardly and got up.

"That was fast." The old master said.

"What's fast?" Tigress retaliates. Her face was carved with a great confusion when her master told her that. The tiger master casually walks towards the master as she clenched her fist as if she was itching for something to destroy.

:"I just saw you go off a few seconds ago."

"I just came in."

"But you…ah…"

"Shifu," Tigress puts a paw on his diminutive shoulder. "Rest."

"You were asking me about PMS!!"

"What?!" She shouted with tirade. "I wouldn't ask that stupid thing!"

They were interrupted once again when Po took over. The giant panda pulled Tigress quickly, away from the master without saying a word to her. The female counterpart was taken aback by the panda's brave act of valor to break into a conversation. She was dragged away from the hall of heroes and started to shout at him in the courtyard. She was at her nerves end and nobody knows why was she so uptight about.

Shifu was left standing – alone – in the hall. He was going out of his mind over this whole incident. _What is happening? Today is really weird…_

"And stay out!" Tai Lung suddenly spat at the doorway. He was back again with his dyed fur and trotted towards the master.

"Where were we?" the snow leopard tapped his chin. "Oh yeah! PMS!"

"I thought you were not interested in that already?"

"Who said that?"

"_You _for god sake!" Shifu flung his miniscule arms in the air. He was getting more and more confused by the second and not enjoying this one bit. How can one simple elegant female tiger get him to be so agitated? Tigress was never like this.

"I did?" Tai Lung pretended to act innocent. "Anyway, I think I got it already." He looks down. "It's wet. Is it a symptom?" He stated.

Shifu had had enough and yelled his head off. He was so angry and frustrated at the tiger that he even threatened to kick her out of the palace if she continued to ask anymore ridiculous questions concerning any part of the anatomy of their body. Master Shifu had never encountered such an insolent child before and he will get down to the bottom of her curiosity when the time is right. Right now, he needs his inner peace as it was agitated from before. The quiet sound of the hall was once again in his right mind and meditated for peace: inner peace.

Tai Lung ran out immediately. He found Po waiting for him by a tree. The Dragon Warrior just shook his head in disagreement.

"You are so dead when Tigress finds out about this."

"Three victims: Viper, Monkey and Shifu." He pointed down below, the village.

He puts on a devilish smile that could even beat the crap out of the god of hell itself. Lights started to flicker on as night was approaching and the villagers were seen packing up from their stall. The sun started to descend down the valley, indicating that the day's work was done and it's time for family at home. However, the two of them had just started work…

"Village." Tai Lung grinned.

* * *

The next morning was truly a big havoc in the Jade Palace and Master Shifu was having a hard time controlling a crowd that was formed in the courtyard; even as the first cock has crewed, the villagers as gone up to the palace for an explanation. The young and old had stormed up the Jade Palace and demanded something from the aged red panda but he didn't know what to do as he didn't know what was happening to them. Futile as it seemed when Shifu tried to hear everybody's problem, the Five decided to help their master.

Po was fidgeting uncomfortably in the courtyard where the protest was being held at. Villager from all ages had come forward to complain about what had happened the night before. The giant panda heard every bit of their conundrum and with each passing second, he felt guilt creeping through his fragile little mind.

_I shouldn't have followed. _He slapped himself. _I should have stopped him! I should have done something…_

A tired snow leopard suddenly emerged from the side but quickly realized that the fur dye on him was yet to be washed out. He stopped yawning and quickly hid behind Po before Shifu and the Five saw him.

"Status report." The snow leopard asked.

"Let's see…" Po started to count his judgment as to how many wrongs had been done. "The villagers are angry, Shifu is trying to cover it up with all the unusual complains that were being thrown at him, and they threaten to kill Tigress as well. Yeah, pretty much bad."

"She stole my food!" A bear suddenly shouted from behind the thick crowd of villagers.

"She destroyed my dining room!" another rabbit yelled.

"She ate my food without paying!"

"She tried to burn my house!"

"She threatened to kill my wife!"

"She tried to make love with me!"

Everybody stopped suddenly and turned around. A fox was raising and flailing his arms with disagreement but halted when the vixen was being stared at with confused looks. The rest of the villagers raised an eyebrow at the fox's statement.

"What?" he looked around with embarrassment.

"She tried to make love with you?" Monkey said.

"Yeah, smart monkey…" the vixen rolled his eyes. "I'm gay."

Shifu literally slapped his face as he was tired of listening to their imperious ranting. None of it made sense! How can one female tiger do all these in one night? Shifu eyed at Tigress and disappointment was written all over his face.

Tigress saw his look. "I didn't do it! Honest to gods of the skies! Why do I want to have sex with a gay fox is beyond me!"

Po was watching everything as it was being unfold in front of him. The giant panda started to sweat bullets once again and moved uncomfortably from side to side. Shifu and Tigress started to fight over small matters and the villagers are still demanding for an explanation, attention as well from them. It was a huge havoc and nothing seemed to work well. Guilt after guilt after guilt ran upon Po's mind and he was about to explode.

"Stop moving!" Tai Lung hissed at him.

"I can't take this anymore!"

The snow leopard grabbed his giant flabby arms and stopped him from feeling uneasy. "Either you calm down or I will tell everyone what you do whenever you're alone in your room during the night. Action figures much?" Tai Lung growled menacingly at the fat panda.

Po felt threatened by the feline's remark and stopped. "But-"

"No buts."

Shifu was flinging his miniscule arms up in the air and the villagers were getting angrier by the moment. An angry mob had just appeared when another group of villagers stormed up. More and more of them started to complain and Po had had enough of this mess. It was time to take action. He don't care that his little secret was revealed.

"STOP! It's him!" Po pointed behind when he stepped aside to reveal another tiger.

Tai Lung was lost for words when the panda did it. He stood at the same spot and did nothing. Tigress's eyes widen in horror when she saw her imaged self, another tiger. Her paws were trembling but she managed to suppress a confused feeling that was running through her body and mind. Later, she muttered out a sentence.

"Who are you?!"

Everybody fell silent. Nothing happened and a gust of wind wafted through the air, ruffling up a few of their furs and a few of them rippled among each other. It was a total silence; a mind numbing pin-drop could be heard.

Tai Lung had to come up with some smart remarks quick or else Tigress and the rest of the villagers will surely make a fur rug out of him. As fast as lightning, he bolted up and made a statement that shook every one.

"I'm Tigress's twin brother."

Po smacked his face hard when he heard that sentence. Tigress's twin brother?! Nobody will ever believe that!

_Which idiot is going to believe that piece of crap?! _The panda thought.

"Brother…?" Tigress took a step forward.

_Exhibit A… _Po rolled his monochromatic eyes from left to right.

"Er…yeah…you know…" Tai Lung huffed. "Brother…sister… Some old, same old. I look like you; doesn't that mean we're twins? I found out that my little sister lives here."

Tigress was dumb stricken with fear and anger yet happiness as well. So many questions and thoughts were running through her mind. For some weird reason as well, the villagers started to disperse from their original position. They were mumbling between breaths and cursed that they couldn't put the blame on the tiger master.

"That's it?" Tai Lung suddenly spoke.

Some of them looked at him and shrugged their shoulders, overlooking at the red panda.

_Exhibit B… _Po rolled his eyes once more. _These people will believe anything! How gullible can you get?!_

"So," Shifu poked at Tai Lung's chest suddenly with his staff. Tai Lung pouted at his master's actions but suppressed the urge to say anything repulsive. "You're Tigress's twin brother? That explains all the trickery that you have done yesterday with me in the hall of heroes."

"Heh… yes…" Tai Lung responded immediately with confidence. No backing out now.

"That's no Tigress's twin brother!" Crane exclaimed out of the blue. "That's Tai Lung for crying out loud! Can't you see the resemblance? Geezz…. Think guys, think!" The avian warrior shook his head in denial, unable to see the fact that they were all tricked by the snow leopard's little prank.

As the mother hen of the Five, it was a little of Crane's duty to keep things at peace, on check and recognizes all of them, with or without their disguises. Tai Lung's cover was finally blown apart and the mischievous snow leopard glared daggers at Crane. The bird warrior puts on a half smile to show that he was victorious over Tai Lung's charade. Rage burning in his amber eyes as his act was over. He was half expecting that the announcement of him being Tigress's twin brother will last longer than this but it had not came out exactly as planned.

Tigress took a step forward, leaning towards the direction of the snow leopard; anger, frustration, desperation, damnation; all these upon the imposter.

"You," Tigress growled loudly with anger. "You kissed Viper unintentionally, played with Monkey's emotions, nearly made Shifu go over his head so as to kick me out of the Jade Palace, destroyed the village below and did the most childish act that I can never imagine in a million years! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Ah… this dye is really good…" He pointed at his fur.

"Oh, that is it!"

Tigress chased after Tai Lung as the two feline ran around, screaming away during the early morning dawn of the day.

---

Tai Lung: So there. You have what you want. It was really fun, while it lasted though. The fur on me still had some shade of orange but nothing a few wash couldn't handle. I screamed like a little girl at the end. There? Happy? Broke two rules and more in one bloody event. I will get FalconMage, for this utter humiliation. Oh, and Corset, author is sorry if you aren't happy with this. I know he wasn't.


End file.
